I never thought I’d see myself coming back to a blog I started so long ago and boy have things changed. I can’t believe the last time I posted was in 2014. So what’s different now? Pretty much everything
My last few posts had seen me slowly start to lose interest in things. I had started studying at that point, but what I didn’t realise is that my depression was slowly creeping back to me. Then quite quickly life became hard, really hard. I stopped getting work and money became tight. I started not wanting to turn up to my classes because I was started to get tired easily. Eventually I stopped going altogether. The thought of leaving the house was making me physically sick and the idea of driving was giving me anxiety attacks.
I remember one day I was trying to drive to my parents house and along a stretch of road I was convinced something terrible was about to happen. I ended up abruptly stopping and pulling over. Trying to hold myself together I turned my car around and drove home. Once home I collapsed on the ground in my room, unable to move and sobbing hysterically. What had my life come to? I sought relief online, I gamed and lost myself in the internet because it was just so much easier.
My mother took me away for a weekend and gave me a mini intervention between her and I. She suggested I try some antidepressants. Well, let me tell you something, don’t try new medications away from home. On our flight home, I was super on edge and tense. The medication was making me feel awful and it had triggered a bad anxiety attack. My legs were shaking and I was constantly fidgeting in my seat. We got off the plane and Mum said to “I thought I was going to have to hog tie you in the isle” and luckily we both laughed it off.
A couple months passed and I hadn’t noticed any improvements, in fact, I was getting worse. I went to see a psychiatrist, he suspected I could be bipolar so he tried me on a high dose of antidepressants. He said it is the easiest way to see if someone is bipolar as they react differently to it. It took 3 days and what do you know, it sent me into a psychosis like state. My thought’s raced, the body wouldn’t stop fidgeting and I was convinced people were looking and laughing at me.
The experience got me thinking, it had me looking for signs through out my life that could support this diagnosis. I had definitely been through lows and I thought my highs were normal and that’s what life is. I thought harder, back to high school. I had always been a pretty happy teenager but I could get into some really foul moods, my family and I used to laugh it off and said that I am a “typical Gemini” able to switch easily between mood. I’m surprised no one picked up on it back then. Then I had a long period of severe depression.
This was all followed by a long high. When I look back at it, I can recognise it easily. I thought I was the best person in the world, no one is better than me. I thought I was so smart and every single one of my opinions was right. I thought I was the best looking person around and I’d be annoyed if I didn’t get the attention I thought I deserved. Mix this with some alcohol and I lost the filter on my mouth and said anything that came to mind, no matter how upsetting it was to someone.
I returned to my psychiatrist, received my diagnosis and began one of the longest journeys I’ve ever been on. Medication seemed to only help until a certain point, I was taking 10 pills per day at one time. I had suicidal thoughts for years and medication changes and adjustments constantly. The weight I gained from the medications was ridiculous, pushing me to the heaviest I’ve ever been.
My life during this consisted of loosing contact with all the friends I cared about, again. Loosing a long term relationship and moving back into my mother’s house. Then something changed. I had major surgery to remove a growth from my middle ear and the entire midden and inner ear being removed. I posted this on Facebook and an old friend reached out to me, not just any old friend, my best friend who I had hurt had reached out to me. I was shocked. I lost my grandparents not long after and once again, she reached out to me.
I made a deal, this time I would actively work hard to maintain and grow this friendship again. To my surprise, another friend reached out to me. I could have cried, I had missed them so much. It’s like the world around me was starting to brighten slowly, I was smiling for no reason. My heart was starting to lighten. I had spent so long paranoid everyone hated me, so I never did the things I wanted to do because I was trying to make others happy. Then my friend said me to “just do it, you’re a grown up”. A light switched on, I am a grown up. I can do what I like and I can do what makes me happy. So what did I do, now that I realised I can make myself happy? I went and got pierced and tattooed.
I was finally doing the things I had wanted to do for years and I can tell you that I feel better about myself a little more each day. Regardless of my weight, I was starting to not feel embarrassed about my looks and just being whoever I wanted. I’m in no means “cured” and I still have really hard days, but I know there are good days now, more than before and it gives me enough strength to keep going and keep wanting more.
I hope I can maintain this blog more, I think writing can be like therapy. Anything that helps along the way is a bonus. Thanks for reading my mini novel! Hopefully it won’t be so depressing from here on out.
Oh no, it's dinner! 